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How to create a Linux distro

Linux Hater's Blog - Thu, 19/06/2008 - 6:53pm
Newb guide #4. Suck it.
  • Pick versions of the kernel, glibc, gcc, that are different from all other distros. So that you too, can "Think Different," or at least claim that you have the newest kernel among all distros for the next 2 weeks.
  • Pick a color. Make your distro's default desktop look that color. Beware that blue, green, red, and brown are taken. This is your distro's branding you see? Having a consistent color increases usability, even more so than having usable apps.
  • Make sure your distro's name has at least two intuitive pronunciations, so that you as the maintainer can be a dick and correct everyone who says it wrong.
  • Take tons of screenshots showing that you can run all the same damn apps as every other distro.
  • Don't mention any detailed information about what kind of hardware your distro is known or not known to work on.
  • Say that it's "community tested," but mean that you personally haven't tested it all.
  • Have a snazzy website with a bunch of gradients. Preferably blending from your color of choice (see above) to white. Copy Apple websites as much as possible.
  • Use a different package format from all other distros
  • Failing that, use a similar package format, but make sure all your packages are incompatible
  • Definitely be sure to have your own package updating mechanism. I mean, if you can't even write that code yourself, how are we to trust you?
  • Make sure you have a freetard version. Undo all the useful integration work you did with proprietary binaries that people want to use.
  • Release new, barely tested bits every 6 months and claim that it is a sign of progress.
  • Make sure you're LSB compliant. Also make sure that that means absolutely nothing.
  • Never admit that your distro could be achieved by just reconfiguring another distro.
  • Do one thing right that every other distro gets wrong. Make sure that the solution you come up with only works in your distro.
  • Have a forum where users of your distro can complain to each other. Make sure this forum allows users to have signatures that tell me about all the hardware they've wasted by running your distro.
  • Have a brainstorm site where users can point out the most obvious problems and make you look like an idiot.
  • Have a bugzilla, but don't ever fix any of the bugs. Blame them all on upstream, then don't tell upstream about the problems.
  • Make sure every upstream package has at least two patches. This differentiates your product, see?
  • Have a newsletter. Make sure this newsletter has a column to introduce random users of your distro who are total nerds and haven't made a cent from all the work they put into their configuration.
  • Write tons of documentation on complicated procedures to make things work, instead of making things work.